Chiaroscuro: The Shadows of My Past
Although the memories haunt me, I have become stronger from them. I no longer feared the darkness that surrounds me because I know the monster is gone. She was casted away by a restraining order, never allowed to return to my world. However, even though she was gone, the aftermath left my world in ruins. She was the "Little Boy" to my Hiroshima. Although it took time to recover from the desolation, I discovered what I wanted in life. My passions were revealed and I began to resurface from the darkness.
As you walk outside into the bright light, you are blinded by the sun. Rubbing your eyes out of instinct, it is still too bright to see. However, you are greeted by a warm breeze as your hair billows with the motions of the wind. You hear the birds chirp as the waves crash down. The natural ambiance is broken by the subtle sound of the accordion as it fills your ears. Making your way to the music, as you smell the floral, fruity aroma of the wine along with the strong scent of oregano. You reach out your hand as you feel a cool stone wall covered in shade. Your vision slowly recovers as you notice that you are on the coast of Italy. Your heart pumping faster and faster as the excitement takes over. RING! RING! RING! Paradise fades as your warped out of a dream. Your alarm is going off. Dammit! You want to go back. You try closing your eyes again but it’s no use; everything is gone. You're awake.
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I am from the land I can never reach,
a culture lost with time.
I’m doomed to walk alone
without knowing my bloodline.
Reminded of who I could have once been
as I taste the false store-bought pasta,
longing for the experience to learn true Italian cuisine.
Without a sense of culture,
who the hell am I?
Culture. One of the most important aspects of one’s life. Culture introduces and influences views, values, hopes, and even fears. How am I supposed to know who I truly am without knowing my culture? Can I truly be myself without knowing? Every day I am reminded of this idea as I walk in front of my mirror. Looking into the reflection I only see unfulfillment. I want to get in touch, but how? How can I find my culture when I barely know anything about my ancestry? The only person who has any idea what they were like is my father, however, it is hard for him to share insight about them for personal reasons. I know one day, he’ll tell me and my siblings everything he remembers, but I have a feeling it won’t be anytime soon. The only real clue I have about my ancestry is that most come from Italy and Austria. Damn! Eighteen years of life and I still have no idea. I feel as if I’m surrounded by darkness, a stranger with no name. I still look into the mirror as if seeing myself for the first time, but deep down I know who this person is; the events I’ve witnessed from my childhood have influenced me into who I stand before.
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Do you remember your childhood? Can you recall all the silly misconceptions you had growing up, such as chocolate milk coming from brown cows? Geez, you were so innocent, pure and free from worry. Your mind was so impressionable. One’s youth is an aspect of human life that introduces and influences the perspective of the world for that said individual. Many could argue and claim that youth is the single most important aspect of a human’s life. Essentially, one’s youth has the most impact on someone’s characteristics and personality. According to Jane Brody, author of the article “What Twins can Teach Us About About Nature”, “Genes define your potential, but your environment largely determines how you turn out;” therefore, essentially describing that while your genetics create your persona, it’s the experiences you witness that creates your identity. With this in mind, how has my childhood influence my life and how has it defined key personality traits that make me stand out from other individuals?
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Almost everything I’ve witnessed is linked back to my mother. Many of the traumatizing events I saw in my youth were all results of her actions. Although I love my mother, she essential ruined me and my siblings’ childhood. It is somewhat unsettling to say that I have countless recollections of ways she has tainted my life; however, there was one aspect that has affected me the most; seeing my mother arrested multiple times. These moments still haunt my mind and when I see an officer I can’t help but imagine what unfolded many years ago.
You’re sitting in your room, playing with your toys, enjoying your imagination when all of a sudden you hear a commotion outside your room. “JESUS CHRIST!” echoes through the hall as the ear-piercing screams are ripped out of the house onto the front lawn. Now your imagination is running off the charts as if it took a heavy dose of acid. The only thing your little heart can do is start skipping beats as your poor shriveled up, deflated lungs try to gasp for air. You race outside to see two officers fighting with your mother. Not arguing but physically bashing each other, fighting like wild animals with a survival instinct. You hear your father yelling, “For God’s sake, please stop!” The man who you knew as one of the toughest beings alive is now in tears as he watches his demented wife fall to the ground. Pepper spray fills the air and loud screams of agonizing pain will always echo within your head every time you see that police badge glisten in your face.
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Chiaroscuro. An Italian artistic term used to describe the usage of strong contrasts between light and dark in order to create a sense of depth and volume. A word that perfectly represents me. The light is what everyone can see, it’s my persona. The darkness is my past, my history and although we can’t see through the mysterious darkness, it still outlines the person I am.
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Although I’m surrounded by darkness, I can finally see the light. I can’t get to the source right away, but I’ll eventually reach it one day. The journey isn’t going to be easy, but I will see the beautiful coastlines of Italy once again, I’m determined. This time it won’t be my imagination deceiving me. I will reconnect with my culture and I’ll make sure to pass down what I learned to the next generation, so they don’t experience these struggles. Life can be hard, the people you’d expect to be there for you might just cause more problems; however, in the end, they are what challenge you to keep moving forward.
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Works Cited
Brody, Jane E. “What Twins Can Teach Us About Nature vs. Nurture.” The New York Times, 20 Aug. 2018, www.nytimes.com/2018/08/20/well/family/what-twins-can-teach-us-about-nature-vs-nurture.html.
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Hall, John. “Rare Photographs Show the Aftermath of Hiroshima after the Atomic Bomb.” Daily Mail Online, Associated Newspapers, 6 Aug. 2015, www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3186815/The-nightmare-aftermath-Hiroshima-Parents-carry-burned-children-past-corpses-rubble-rare-photographs-taken-days-atomic-bomb-killed-140-000-people.html.